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Part of the new look included a move of my blog to Wordpress. Thanks to CrocoDesigns and Alan Morgan for helping with this transfer. Click on the Blog link at the top or below.


http://www.crystaljordan.com/blog

A carry over from Hump Day fun to end your week

Mad Madam M: Welcome to a very special VidSpam Spectacular!™ brought to you by Crystal & Mad Madam M! Please sit back and enjoy an exciting collection of videos featuring the 'hunks' from this week's Hump Day Hotties! And so without further gilding the lily and with no more ado, I give to you...

Crystal: Beware of foul language in these videos and rude content. Very funny though!

VidSpam Spectacular!™: The Hetero-Lifemate Edition

Jay & Silent Bob (View Askewniverse)

Mad Madam M: Well, I couldn't find the video I really wanted here, the scene from Dogma when Jay utters "I'm Jay and this is my hetero-lifemate Silent Bob", but I thought this was a great scene featuring the two.

Crystal: I don't even remember that scene from Dogma, but this scene is awesome.



Ben & Matt (If you don't know these two actors, I don't know how to help you!)

Mad Madam M: I'm tearing up...I don't know how someone couldn't! (Yes, I know I cry at anything!)

Crystal: Ben Affleck can occasionally manage to act a little. Who knew?



Tom & Harry (Star Trek: Voyager)

Mad Madam M: For those of you who have never watched Voyager, Captain Proton was a holodeck program that Tom & Harry used to run. Tom was Captain Proton and Harry was his faithful sidekick, Buster Kincaid. I love this little video even if it does have a funny song...

Crystal: I saw the tailend of this episode once on Spike TV. And then I changed the channel.



O'Brien & Bashir (Star Trek: Deep Space Nine)

Mad Madam M: So, this video needs a little intro...I couldn't find a really good video featuring Bashir & O'Brien just on their own. However, the first minute of this video, made to commemorate the end of DS9, is completely awesome. So feel free to not watch the entire video...

Crystal: Please...only watch the first minute. The rest is a little bit...Trekkie.



Spock & Kirk (If I need to explain this one...heaven help you!)

Mad Madam M: Another vid that needs some explaining and perhaps a warning. This is a 5 minute clip from the end of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. I chose it because ever single other Spock/Kirk video I found was slash. No one should have to watch clips of Spock and Kirk set to JT's "SexyBack". It's just weird. Anyway, if you have never seen the movie and want to remain surprised if you do...DO NOT WATCH.

Crystal: There is a lot of Star Trek on my blog.



Denny Crane & Alan Shore (Boston Legal)

Mad Madam M: I love, love, love this scene. It is so touching and so true!

Crystal: Awwww.



Mark Green & Doug Ross (ER)

Mad Madam M: I have never really watched this show, but luckily this was the first video to come up when I typed in Mark Green & Doug Ross. Have some kleenex handy, Crystal!

Crystal: This was the end of good ER. Right here. I never watched again.



Harry Potter & Ron Weasley (Also self-explanatory)

Mad Madam M: Remember my no slash rule from earlier...it applies double to underage kids. That is all I'm going to say, except there are a lot of pervy people out there.

Crystal: Ewww. There was boy on boy porn for Harry Potter? They're, like, twelve. Nooooooo!



Seth & Ryan (The O.C.)

Mad Madam M: Ryan and Seth.

Crystal: Seth and Ryan.



Shaun & Ed (Shaun of the Dead)

Mad Madam M: So, Simon Pegg (Shaun) and Nick Frost (Ed) are actually best friend in real-life and have done several other projects together. Unfortunately, I couldn't really find any videos featuring anything but Shaun of the Dead. But hey, there are worse things! (Click here if you have 26 minutes to kill and want to learn how to survive a zombie attack while laughing!)

Crystal: Oh my gosh. That's hilarious. I love those, too.

Thursday Thirteen

So, last week was a bad week. This week has had highs and lows. Let me tell you about the highs!

Thirteen things that make me giddy 1. When my cousin calls and tells me she's getting married in July. 2. When my cousin changes her wedding date so that I can come (I was going to be at RWA and not be able to make the wedding. It's wonderful to be loved and wanted, isn't it?) 3. When my cousin calls back two days later to say she just got a call from her doctor...a routine physical showed she's just barely pregnant. 4. I'm going to be an auntie for a third time! (Yes, she's my cousin and not my sister, but we grew up next door to each other and her kids will call me Aunt Crystal. It's how my family works--go with it) 5. When I realize this will technically make me an auntie for the fourth time because my cousin's sister is having a baby in June. 6. When my other cousin, the sister, calls to tell me she just found out she's having a boy! 7. When my uncle calls to make sure I'm coming to his wedding in late June. ('tis the season, apparently. These are the first weddings and babies in over two years) 8. When Eden Bradley finds out I'll be in California in late June/ early July and insists I come for a BBQ on the Fourth of July and make use of her guest room. (Again, nice to be wubbed) 9. When the Mad Madam M buys a new fern and we sit around debating on what to name it (yes, yes, we both really do name our plants--they stay alive longer that way, I swear!) 10. When a very dear friend (who refuses to be named, but she knows who she is) sells to Ellora's Cave. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY *deep breath* YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY 11. When I finish a novel *small squee* 12. When my business cards and magnets come and they're PERFECT. (Because we've all heard horror stories about people gets screwed over by the printer on book marks and business cards) 13. When, even though there are loud ass construction workers, I still have a week off of work to write. Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Hump Day Hotties

So this week is about heterosexual life-partners. This is a term I believe Mad Madam M invented herself to describe couples that are in a dedicated life-long relationship without marriage or any sort of sexual relations (oh, gross!) at all. Usually it's a best friend of the same sex. And not like a "I met you five minutes ago, let's be friends" type best friend...this is the best friend you will have until you die. The end.

Mad Madam M and I have had a successful hetero life-mating for the better part of a decade now (sadly my most successful relationship, period--but moving on!).

As a demonstration, we're showcasing famous hetero life partnership found in movies and TV.

For a bonus, we'll have videos featuring these life partnerships on Friday. Stay Tuned!

Jay & Silent Bob



Mad Madam M: "Oh, I'm Jay, and this is my hetero-lifemate Silent Bob."

Crystal: And look we have matching sweater sets! (Okay, trench coats. Close enough.)



Mad Madam M: "You know, sometimes I wish I did a little more with my life instead of hanging out in front of places selling weed and sh*t…" All I can say is thank goodness you didn't! And while I am at it...thank goodness you gave up the drugs and grew some muscles!!

Crystal: Dude, he was on drugs? I never would have guessed Jay was a tweaker. Huh.



Mad Madam M: Jay & Silent Bob…or Kevin Smith & Jason Mewes? Who am I kidding? It doesn't really matter…

Crystal: *whispers* Matching sweater sets.


Matt Damon & Ben Affleck



Mad Madam M: Pretty *pets screen* and one of them can even act!

Crystal: Huh? Sorry, what did you say? I was distracted by the pretty.



Mad Madam M: I hate to admit it, but I tear up everytime Ben (or whatever his name is in the film) explains the best part of his day *wipes away tear* Damn it! I'm tearing up now…

Crystal: Oh, please. Only one of them can act, remember? Did you forget which one that was?



Mad Madam M: Getting the bird has never looked this appealing!

Crystal: I could make a foul comment about getting fingered, but this is a public blog, so I won't.



Mad Madam M: Disturbing I know. Quite pretty, but disturbing none the less...

Crystal: There are some similiarities here that scare me. However, Star Trek does specialize in hetero life-matings. We shouldn't be suprized others have noticed too.


Tom & Harry



Mad Madam M: Double your pleasure…double your fun!

Crystal: Matching sweater sets!


O'Brien & Bashir



Mad Madam M: Ok…so maybe O'Brien isn't the greatest looking guy, but these two made DS9 for me. Sure O'Brien loves his wife…he just likes Bashir better!

Crystal: I'm disturbed by how much Star Trek you watch. I think we may need to revoke your remote control priviledges.


Kirk & Spock



Mad Madam M: All hail the original Trek hetero-lifemates. And take a good look at the less-puffy Shatner…

Crystal: They are good looking guys. Or, they were back in the day anyway.


Boston Legal



Mad Madam M: Speaking of Shatner...the more I watch this show the more I fall in love with these two! Long live Denny Crane and Alan Shore!!

Crystal: Wow, Shatner is either really good at balancing his lifemates and his wife (he is married right?), or no one knows he's cheating.



Mad Madam M: Suits and cigars…what girl could ask for anymore!

Crystal: Sex, drugs, and Bono? (I know how much you like Bono)


ER



Mad Madam M: I've never really watched thishow religiously, but I do agree Clooney is damn fine and I sobbed like a baby when I watched the ep about Dr. Green in a rerun a couple of years back!

Crystal: I stopped watching after Clooney left. They broke up the hetero lifemates. It was just wrong, I tell you! However, this is a nice shot of the original hotties of ER.



Mad Madam M: If only I was on that gurney! We could play 'Doctor' all the time!!

Crystal: Niiiice.


Harry Potter (This section is dedicated to Crys's cousin...otherwise I would feel really old and kind of pervy!)



Mad Madam M: I love is pic...I mean this is a true image of friendship...

Crystal: All hail the underage hetero lifemates!



Mad Madam M: Man I feel old! *starts humming "Sunrise, Sunset" to myself*

Crystal: See? When they get older, they'll learn to never let a chick come between their lifemating. Bros' before ho's!


OC



Mad Madam M: Now there is a look that melts the heart...

Crystal: Awwww. Cute.



Mad Madam M: No one accesorizes with a white wife-beater undershirt like Ryan! Although I wouldn't be heartbroken if he lost it completely...(And doesn't he have the cutest look on his face. Too bad Seth is missing it by wearing those huge sunglasses!!)

Crystal: As long as I don't miss it, I'm cool with Seth missing it.



Mad Madam M: I know I have used this pic before, but I can't stop staring...

Crystal: *sigh*


Simon Pegg/Nick Frost



Mad Madam M:
Shaun: [about Ed] He's not my boyfriend!
Ed: [handing a pint to Shaun] It might be a bit warm, the cooler was off.
Shaun: Thanks, babe. [winks]

Crystal: I love Shaun of the Dead. It was an awesome flick (which M made me watch--twice)



Mad Madam M: Police Glasses...scientifically proven to make any guy hot. Kinda like kilts...

Crystal: I was with you until kilts. Men in short skirts are only sexy in bad romance novels. Forgive her, everyone. She reads Greek/Sheik Baby Daddy books. And likes them.



Mad Madam M: Real men can hold hands in artistically lit hallways!!! I mean they are British...they are born with a 'campy' gene!

Crystal: I agree. No American hetero lifepartnership could be this out of the closet.

A small whine

I'm on vacation. My plan was to veg out at home and just write. Nice, quiet, peaceful week. Is that so much to ask? I don't think so.

Then yesterday, workmen showed up to replace the roof on my apartment building. At they set up RIGHT OUTSIDE MY WINDOWS. In fact, there's now scaffolding outside my door so I have to duck and crawl in order to get out of my house. (Found that little gem of wisdom out when I went to fetch the mail last night)

There's been banging, crashing, cursing, and general loudness all day for the past two days. In fact they've killed my plans to sleep in because they start pounding at 7AM and I'm a pretty light sleeper.

My small rant is that DUDE, my landlady could have given me some warning, I would have scheduled my vacation for a week when there was no construction.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhh!

Mother Nature has schizophrenia

Blogging over at The Novelty Girls today. Come visit!

So last week it was in the 80s. The morning after that it was chilling and raining. By the afternoon it was snowing. By that evening it was sunny again. Now it's cold-yet-sunny again. And heading towards warm. Argh! Mother Nature needs to make up her mind so I know whether or not I need to take a coat with me when I step outside. I feel like I'm back in the midwest. Which is crazy because I like the western US best (sorry everyone else) and I wasn't a fan of the weather anywhere else anyway. How weird is that?

To top off my terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad week. On Saturday, I came home from shopping with Grace Tyler, to find that I had no electricity. In fact, my whole building had no electricity. Ack! I'm on deadline. I need internet and power for my laptop. Waaaaaaaaaaaah!

Enter the Persnickety Hooch, who introduced me to the Salt Lake Roasting Company, a lovely little coffee shop with power, free internet, and excellent chai tea. I had to switch tables a few times trying to get one that had a power outlet I could plug into. I quickly found that was prime real estate and one has to be something of a vulture in order to get one of those rare gems for a table. I did manage it though. Persnickety Hooch and her hubby Electroshock also brought me a very cute thank you card for driving her to and from work this past week (she was looped on painkillers following some fun and exciting oral surgery).

See? Here's me at the coffee shop, me with the yummy chai, and then me again with the thank you card.

Sunday Funnies

This was a funky quiz I couldn't pass up. You answer a few questions about your hands and--voila!--you have a personality analysis. I'm amazed and stunned. Totally. That's all it takes to analyze me. Have fun!

What Your Hands Say About You

You are logical, analytical, and rational. You have good verbal skills. Idealistic and dreamy, you tend toward the impractical. You have a knack for getting yourself in sticky situations. Brainy and intelligent, you are intellectual to the point of being incomprehensible. Your emotions tend to be well though out. You're willing to wait out a bad situation, and you're never too quick to act.

What Do Your Hands Say About You?

A public thanks!

Okay, so this might be a convoluted story, but bear with because it has a happy ending. I think.

The Mad Madam M is a bit of a sci-fi junkie. She likes Star Trek and Battlestar Gallactica. (Don't ask me to spell that correctly because I just can't) And before you call her a dork (that's my job) check out the eye candy you get for being a sci-fi junkie.

In any case, last weekend M went off to a sci-fi convention in southern California (I'm thinking it was Burbank, but I could be wrong) and amid her spaced out hottie sightings she managed to get into a discussion about erotic romance e-publishing with some other sci-fi junkies. (How or why this happened was not something I want to know because I can only imagine the people around them were thinking internet porn involving Mr. Spock and Scotty)

M said she overheard the conversation of two other women, and one was explaining that there was such a thing as romance novels online while the other didn't believe her. M interjected and said there was not only e-publishers that put out romance novels, but she even knew a writer who was published that way (that'd be me in case you were wondering)

The woman asked which publisher, and by freak accident M remembered the word Cobblestone. Then the woman asked what the writer-friend's name was and M simply replied "Crystal."

At this point the woman says "Jordan? You KNOW Crystal Jordan?" And then said she liked my books and wanted to read the next Wereplanets story.

M said it was the most surreal moment ever to be at a sci-fi convention and find a fan of mine, but I have to say this made my year. How cool is that? People outside my friends and family have heard of me and even like my books enough to say so to complete strangers.

So, this is my public thanks to that sci-fi convention going lady. You really did make my decade. If you're out there and you were at a convention last weekend and saw either of these two women (and talked about me to the younger one--that's M) then this is a big THANK YOU. You rock.

Thursday Thirteen

So, it's been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week. And I still have today and tomorrow to get through. According to the news and chat with R.G. Alexander yesterday, it appears the crap week is a global phenomenon. So, I've decided to come up with a list of things that make me happy. Hope you enjoy.

Thirteen Things that make me smile 1. Hot, naked (or mostly naked) men. 2. Puppies. 3. Hot, naked (or mostly naked) men in uniform. 4. The smell of dirt after a spring rain. 5. Hot, naked (or mostly naked) men strapped to a chair so I can have my wicked way with them. 6. Long walks on the beach. 7. Hot, naked (or mostly naked) men on motorcycles. 8. Clean sheets. 9. Hot, naked (or mostly naked) men with sexy tattoos. 10. Fuzzy bunnies. 11. Hot, naked (or mostly naked) men in in my bed. 12. My nieces' laughter. 13. Hot, naked (or mostly naked) men in just a pair of jeans. Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Hump Day Hotties

It's that time of the week again, and man do I need it. Seriously. I'm happy to be sliding down the hill of this week. To celebrate the wild theme of my new blog and site, the Mad Madam M and I are doing adventurers gone wild as our theme for the week. Enjoy!

Indiana Jones ('nuf said!)



Mad Madam M: It all goes back to a young Indiana Jones my friend...my first crush with a whip! Purty, purty, purty...

Crystal: I'm not even going to comment on your whip-loving ways. It's a part of our friendship we don't need to explore further.



Mad Madam M: Jones. Indiana Jones. Ok...it doesn't have the same ring, but that doesn't stop me from staring!

Crystal: Shaken, not stirred.


Sully (Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman)



Mad Madam M: For the life of me, I have no idea how Dr. Mike stopped herself from jumping that man for two years. TWO YEARS. I guess some things we aren't supposed to understand!

Crystal: I'm sorry, but as much as I like Sully, he looks like Fabio in this picture and it's kind of freaking me out.



Mad Madam M: See, this is another one of those pics that I imagine my head on another body. Oh to have Jane Seymour's body and lay in Sully's arms.

Crystal: I just threw up in my mouth a little.



Mad Madam M: I had to sneak one more in...even if it is early 90s cheesy. Well, especially because it is 90s cheesy!!

Crystal: He's hawt in this photo, he really is. Who cares if it's cheesy? Take your shirt off, Sully!


Dirk Pitt (Sahara)



Mad Madam M: ah...Dirk in an archive. My little heart goes pitter patter. It has to be one of the sexiest things I have ever seen...and I don't even like Matthew McConaughey!

Crystal: It would only be better if he was naked, or mostly so.



Mad Madam M: Not sure what he is doing with his hands, but it really doesn't matter. I'm caught up staring at his baby oiled skin and sexy swin trunks! If only the swim trunks could disappear...apparently the tinkerbell cure doesn't work for naughty daydreams!

Crystal: Wow, that's a lot of baby oil. And I don't care. I'd use his body as a Slip 'n Slide any day.



Mad Madam M: With tank-top wearing skills like that, Matt should really look into joining the cast of Battlestar Galactica!

Crystal: Oh God, she went there. I just lost my hard on.


Rick O'Connell (Mummy movies)



Mad Madam M: Absolutely love the goofy look in this pic. Well, I love the movie. Frak! I just love Brendan Fraser!!

Crystal: She said Frak. Dude, not everything is a Battlestar Gallactica reference. I swear, send a girl to ONE sci-fi convention... And all I have to say about the pic is: tee-hee, he has a BROADsword.



Mad Madam M: It looks like O'Connell muscled up between films...however I will need to conduct further research...perhaps requiring a strip search. All I know is it will be intense!

Crystal: He deserves it. Get all up on him. Tell him who's boss. Use Indy's whip if you must.


Aragorn (LOTR)



Mad Madam M: I know, I know...Aragorn doesn't really fit in the list as easily, but can you blame me? In this pic, he seems to be staring right at me...

Crystal: He is staring right at you. He's lovely. I just want to sigh and keep looking. Then use his body as a jungle gym.



Mad Madam M: I love a man in armor. It may not look sexy, but trust me it is...especially on Aragorn! Just think of what's underneath!!

Crystal: Armor is sexy if it can be removed quickly. That's no the kind of weight you want pressing down on you when...um...nevermind.


Allan Quatermain (Richard Chamberlain)



Mad Madam M: *chuckle* Crystal, this one is all you... *takes a moment to chuckle again*

Crystal: Oh, please. At least mine fits the theme. And campy cute is still cute. And scroll down, ladies and gents, to see her Goonies addition to Hump Day Hotties. And I'm the crazy one. Yeeeah.


Jack T. Colton (Romancing the Stone)



Mad Madam M: It must be the adventurer hat...that is the only think hat can explain how the hotness level of Michael Douglas could go up that high. I'm not sure what's under the car, but I am willing to help look...

Crystal: I'm hoping it's ME under the car. And he wants to check my brakes and rotate my tires. As such.



Mad Madam M: Who doesn't love Jack? I mean he's a romance writer's dream...

Crystal: I'm shocked you still think he's hot after what he did to her shoes in the movie. I know how you feel about shoes.


Brand Walsh (Goonies)



Mad Madam M: Goonies never say DIE!! Not sure how that fits in, but hey, it fits. Besides, I had a major crush on Josh Brolin after this movie. Who am I kidding? I still love Brand Walsh!

Crystal: Okay, so Goonies? I love the movie, but...dude. Don't make fun of my 80's camp unless you want me to make fun of yours.


Captain Virgil Hilts (The Great Escape)



Mad Madam M: Of course Hilts made the list. Come on...it's Steve McQueen. Steve Frakkin' McQueen. Nobody does tough guy better...nobody!

Crystal: Steven McQueen. Yum. I wanna ride his motorcycle with him.

Auditions

Yesterday I went with the Persnickety Hooch to her hair stylist. I have an awesome stylist in California (the home state--woot woot) who has made me pretty for twelve years. And this is really important for a fat chick. I mean, my hair is the one thing about my that I KNOW looks good and not just from a certain angle. It just looks good.

Persnickety Hooch proclaimed her hairdresser the most offensive person ever born, and I have to agree. He was freaking hilarious. I can see why she warns people before meeting him because he doesn't even try to be PC about anything. And he knows he's full of crap too. My kinda guy.

He says he's going to turn my hair a coppery red because it will look good with my freckles. I'm okay with anything as long as I walk out of there with cute hair. I've done Reba McIntyre red, dark burgundy, and light auburn with blonde streaks, but never copper. I have an appointment in three weeks, so we'll see how it goes. Cross your fingers, toes, eyes, and ovaries for me.

Also, we're talking (arguing, claws bared a li'l bit) about definition of a romance novel. Check out our two cents here.

Novelty Girls Day.

I'm blogging over at The Novelty Girls today, and showing off my new business cards that match my new website (click on the menu to the right to check out my new pages). The blog look is forth coming. Croco Designs did it for me. Isn't it lovely?

The colors are a bit off on this image, but there's a nekked man. See?

Sunday Funnies

This week is all about travel. If I could get away to any country, where would I go? Australia for sure. However, the quiz today is about which Asian country I should visit. Apparently, I'm meant for curries and the Taj Mahal. Rock on. I'm so there. Any day now.

You Should Travel to India

You're a passionate, gusty traveler - and India's gritty urban centers won't scare you away. Maybe you'll take in the Taj Mahal, eat the best curry of your life, or attend a huge street festival.

What Asian Country Should You Visit?

Big Pimpin'

Jennifer McKenzie's new book in her Divine Intervention series comes out. Singled Out was the first one, and the newest one is Double Trouble (sense a theme here?). This book is awesome, I critiqued it for her before she sold it. Loved it. I mean, who doesn't love a guardian angel fresh out of AA? Yep, he's got a lot of making up for in his charge's lives.



Depressed and devastated after her husband's death, Elizabeth Muldoon is hiding from life. When Jerod Anderson is brutally honest with her, she kicks him out of her life. Until he comes back, she doesn't realize that her true soul mate was in front of her all along. Can her guardian angel help her see the love she'd missed?

It goes on sale here later today. Go buy it!